Friday, 22 January 2010

Throat clearing, a winter's tale


please stop. When you are sick, stay at home. Don't leave your farms. Please stop clearing your throats, please stop coughing and gagging the greenest and most disgusting phlegm out of your systems, please stop sneezing into other people's faces and afterwards pretending you would be sorry for it. Please stop showing compassion to your fellow pixies by copying their throat clearing the second they are finished with it, it's not a competition and if it was you wouldn't win it cause you are Irish. Everyone knows you are culchies, raised by your potatoe-head parents without any manners.

But you aren't only Irish anymore.

You have voted YES! for the Lisbon referendum, YES! for a common Europe and therefore YES! for accepting the Bosman ruling. So don't be surprised having people of other, superior and well-mannered countries around you that expect an acceptable level of behaviour from you'se. If you can't cope with that, well you are free to leave this country and to go somewhere else, somewhere outside of the new Power-Europe, we don't want and we don't need someone like you here, it's now our green and rainy paradise, from glen to glen and down the mountain side.

Fair well! So long! Auf Wiedersehn'! Good bye!

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

I'm walking backwards for christmas

Christmas. Snow? WaterWetRain.

Santa. Presents? DealextremeCustomsNone.

2010. New Year's resolutions? PotOfGoldMustFinallyGetItAndLeaveABrownAndSmellySurpriseInIt

Health. Any better? HighCholesterolMucousPhlegmCatarrhArouarglHMHMHMHMHM.

Future. Hopes and wishes? OhLordPleaseLetThereBeBrains.

Friday, 11 December 2009

Santa arrived early!

Congratulations to your government, congratulations to the budget. Ingenius idea to put up the VAT one year and then taking the glory for bringing it down the next year to the same level as before, thinking the people have forgotten that the same greedy politicians put it up in the first place. Yeah, your government thinks it can treat you like fools and yes, they are right in doing so.

Lets face the facts. You are all smelly, ugly potatoe farmers, only interested in your own well-beings. Brian Latchico Lenihan
knows that, so he came up with another act of humanity and brought down the prices for beer and wine.
This seems to kill two birds with one stone: On the one hand it encourages family fathers to bring their hard earned money to the pub and afterwards into the bookies instead of home to the starving wife and children and on the other hand these millions of euros the state is losing of that are NOT (- and you see I am writing this in uppercase and bold to put a stress and more importance on it) being invested into your rotten, human hating health system, schools or social systems instead, cause they are doomed anyways. Respect for that.

I am happy Mr Lenihan said the worst is over. Let's start a new day, a new life and open a new can of beer, get pissed and go into hibernation, until a prince(ss) comes along to kiss us awake of that nightmare. Good night Pixies.

Friday, 4 December 2009

Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop

Vunderbar! Eins, zwei, drei...
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
Ach du lieber
Und oh boy!

Guten Tag clap clap
Guten Tag slap slap
Ach du lieber
Vat a joy!

Oh, ve essen und fressen
Und tanze und trinken
Tanzen und trinken
Until ve get stinkin!

Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop...
Guten Tag
Meine liebe Schatz

So ve hop our hops
Und ve clop our clops
Und ve drink our Schnapps
'Til ve plotz!

Thursday, 26 November 2009

Citius, Altius, Fortius

Ladies. Oh fat red haired ladies.
I must say I do like your style.
I admire you every morning and afternoon on the way to and from the office, looking very sporty in your always, never changing, evergreen, new and shiny runners, hovering over the pavement.
Your overweight legs gently cushioned by Nike Air systemTM, your chubby sweatening sockless feet kept warm in a shoe that is able to deliver world records.
Seing you there, I am inclined to think that you are on your way to a marathon or a wall climbing class.

I do like your eating habits too. You are so healthy having two halves of a BLT sandwhich with extra mayonaise, a bowl of soup and a tiny bag of extra light crisps for lunch, resting your padded belly on the table, sipping on your diet coke.

I am feeling so unfit, seeing you celebrating your applaudable lifestyle, I would love to get up, right here and now and take a leaf out of your book, but I haven't got the strength anymore, just haven't got the strength. Fair play to you.

Monday, 19 October 2009

Classic Own Goal

Allons enfants de la Patrie,
Le jour de gloire est arrivé!

Pixies, you wanna know what that is?

That's the sweet sound of victory for the French nation.
They are laughing at you. Everyone is.
You didn't really believe that you would have a fair chance to get through to the world cup in South Africa next year, did you? Oh really? Well, that's sweet. A bit like 15 year old, brace-smiling, dentist daughters on X-factor that think they are the new Whitney Houstons or Mariah Careys and just awfully suck.

Seriously, the same way no one wants to listen to these sirenes, no one in the whole wide world wants to have you and your appaling team at a football world cup. It's like going on a rock festival and listening to naff garage newcomer bands instead of seing the big acts. My ears are still full off your moaning, that it is typical that you have to play France now in the relegation games.
You are right about the fact that this was fixed and it is your own fault and you deserve it after voting no for Lisbon the first time.

But what is your point? If you can't even beat that French crap team, that obviously is one of their worst in ages (there is a reason why they are playing the relegation games: they are shit), what do you want at the world cup? Hoping for worse team than yours, that you might beat with your wannabe Italian defence?
I ask you Pixies: who wants to see that? Not even yourselves, do you?
And would you really be proud of your loser team drawing with teams like Denmark or Greece?

Listen: look at other teams like Germany. They used the last years to invest in their youth work. They have a young, unbeatable squad and are without controversity the odds-on favourite on the title.
Take you time, hire a new coach (Rafael Benitez might be available soon) as Trapattoni's way of playing football is a disgrace. Give young and talented players a chance (in case you got some), boost them and then you might have a chance to qualify for the next European Championship - if we let you of course.

So behave till then. Think of my words, Lisbon one was a cockiness, make sure things like that will never ever happen again.

Good luck Pixies, you will need it.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Lost in translation

Pixies, some interesting news for you:

English is not a god given gift to mankind.

I am delighted for the British Empire that they successfully managed to impose their language on the Irish nation. It is sweet to see your nice trials to keep your own language alive, although it is long dead and rotten as the meat in Superquinn's reduced prices section.
It's not a new phenomenon that you pretend to hate the English whilst at the same time admiring their football teams, TV shows, music and fashion and imitating their whole life style consistently: whatever insanity they come along with, e.g. moon boots combined with pyjamas, you adapt it.

Given that I am not surprised that you are acting with the same arrogance travelling to other countries and expecting everyone to speak your well-loved, sacred English like you do in the most ridiculous accent you could imagine (it's not teef it's a thief, you pronounce the th by curving your tongue, slightly upwards at the tip - creating a shape similar to a spoon between the tip and the base. The tip of the tongue should be touching the bottom edge of the top row of teeth, on the narrow part/edge, you dumbasses).

I just went to Sicily to escape your dreadful weather and to get at least a couple of nice sunny days this year.
More than once I saw how red-as-a-lobster, sunburned Irish tourists were speaking away in English to domestic Italian waiters or vendors not even making the slightest effort to ask beforehand if they speak English at all. It satisfied myself to see that these waiters didn't give a shit about this disrespectfulness and kept giving answers in Italian to them. The outcome was that these pixies ordered something they didn't know what it is as they couldn't remeber a word French or Spanish that they "learned" in school by teacher Mr Fritz and Mrs Scorchio, so they weren't even able to derive from the base of the words in the menu. Therefore, the redhaired Irish couple sitting at the table next to me were eating frog's leg now, in place of the wished Pizza Funghi and were drinking tomato juice instead of red wine. I overheard an angry conversation between them saying that it was unbelievably rude that the waiter didn't actually speak a word English and that they were tourists and would expect that at least in restaurants there would be a basic level of English comprehension.
I think it's absurd and paradox as the same bunch of people are getting annoyed at home by foreigners speaking their native languages in public instead of English although themselves are not actually meant to be part in that conversation.

Later on the plane on my way back I noticed other Irish people giving out that the announcements on the plane where made in Italian first an then in English. They got really pissed off about that and couldn't understand.

Pixies: arrogance doesn't suit you and doesn't make sense. Go back to your farm, eat some potatoes and watch your English favourite team not winning the league title again but don't bother travelling to countries where a different language is being spoken if you can't handle it. You are a disgrace for the whole European Union and as you now finally voted for being a part of it, you better cop on if you still want to fill up your pot of gold drooling over the millions the people of bigger and civilised countries as Germany, England, France and Italy are working very hard for day by day. Stupid is as stupid does. Over and out.
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